DOES YOUR DOOKIE TWINKLE?

I haven't gotten a chance to see many of the new Chappelle Show episodes but I finally came across the fake "cribs" episode and its amazing:

"I don't really fuck with Africa because people are starving to death and that ain't ballin' to me"

HOW OLD IS THIS DUDE

He's Back? Dude is the perfect pick for your soon to be recently-vintage fantasy draft picks.

Eye See YOU

Since some bros are what you would call "destitute" these days (and by destitute, I mean extra unemployed), some of them have been catching up on their nature shows. And by some of them I mean me. No joke, I got a call last saying "come out to the bar for this show" and I said "chill, don't you know that the snake episode of THE REPTILES is on right now?".

Now that I have this new found appreciation of Nature, reptiles specifically, how should I express this the to general public?

KAZAAAMMMMM




I mean, that is pimping. When was the last time you saw a pair of shoes with FUCKING EYES???

These guys have the footwear game on lock and they obviously share my personal understated taste and love of scaly animals.

The window display game says it all





take that Bergdorf Goodman.

SUPERSTAR

THIS DUDE SHOULD BE FAMOUS

THE SCARIEST/GREATEST PLACE ON EARTH

I recently returned from a White Water rafting adventure in western Pennsylvania/ West Virginia [Lets just say I have no doubt that "the Klan" is alive and well] with a bunch of dudes from college; several of whom have returned from serving in the armed forces. Most unfortunate event: Realizing that a dude who is in the Green Berets handles his alcohol like a 14 year old girl. Best shitty Pennsylvania towns passed on route: Shartsville and Krumstown. Greatest moment? Stumbling upon a 300,000 square foot CABELAS STORE on the way home. I don't know if you can wrap your minds around 300,000 square feet of camo, guns, knives and fishing tackle, but believe me that shit is HUGE.

Here's Davey Boy at the entrance....Dave got an instant boner when he saw all the fishing rods available. Then he proceeded to soil himself after discovering the in-store, gigantic 40,000 gallon aquarium full of every major North American fresh water game fish.


The view from the main entrance. There was a huge mountain built into the middle of the store that was "decorated" with stuffed Bears, Goats, Elk and anything else that has four legs and can be shot dead.

Another view of the faux mountain.


Here's a view from the second floor balcony where the restaraunt and home furnishings sections were located....and when I say home furnishings I mean....


...a glass table with a dogs head emerging from the center with a dead duck in its mouth....classic.

Even though the diet of most Bears consists of berries and fish, in the world of Cabela's all animals are vicious killers that should be shot and eaten. Hence the scene below: these ferocious blood thirsty bears have just killed a giant moose and are about to engage in a violent battle to the death over who will eat it.


Speaking of death: ..peep the Camoflage-sike-i-aint-dead-sucka-coffin-bag. BANG!!!
You thought I was just playing when I talked about the "Bargain Cave" in my last post didn't you. Told you fools. I copped a sweet set of shotgun shell christmas lights for only 5 bills in the bargain cave.
And just when you are absolutely spent from all the little kids running around shooting off cap guns in the store [dead serious], dudes walking around double-fisting double-barrell shotguns, and the constant quacking from the duck-call section, there is no better way to replenish yourself than hitting up the in-store restaraunt for some Wild Boar and Smoked Elk sandwiches [they had a vegetarian section also, but when you approached the counter a trap door opened up and sent you directly into a garbage bin in the parking lot].
Wow. All I can say was that it was an experience that will last a lifetime. Plus I found out they're opening up a store in North Jersey....I smell field trip [Rob- you may have to pack your own lunch].

Gator vs. Grizzly

so the story went that i was walking home from the grocery store
minding my own business. when all of a sudden i saw an alligator jump
a ramp and turn the corner to beat the crap out of a grizzly bear (you
can tell it's a grizzly because it has a hump on it's back). and of
all the weapons one could choose, the gator opted for a fucking rake.
a couple swift punches, jabs and a roundhouse kick to the grill, the
gator raked the grizzly right in the damn face. and down the grizzly
went.

THIS DUDE IS KINDA REAL BUSY

hey dude from the hold steady,

I'm real stoaked about the new record and all.




And whoa you have also found time to run against Hillary. I guess the old DNC and establishment is kinda hating, but whatever you write killer songs.

FUCK YEAH BRO!

GET A JUMP ON THE FALL WEAPONS....I MEAN FASHIONS

I just received an important delivery in the mail the other day. It's a delivery that I look forward to every couple of months and have been meaning to tell you all about. I've been planning on writing a post about this for quite some time but honestly I wanted to make sure that I put forth the time and effort to do it right. That's how much I care about this particular item. What could dannyfresh be so passionate about...what could possibly make him take the time and effort and then mention that very time and effort as he was expending said time and effort? CABELAS CATALOG. Fuck that hipster ladbook Vice, forget GQ, forget indie name- brand gear being flaunted in the newest Flaunt..CABELAS IS THE TRUTH. I first discovered this catalog as a youth when I spent my summers in upstate New York, and actually owned a compound bow. I would look at the catalog not for the sweet clothes but for the knives and insane weapons [little dudes just like weapons]. These days, I spend a lot less time shooting animals and pay an unfortunate amount of attention to clothes. That being said, it was part of my RED state past that reintroduced me to this gem of a catalog: it's all due to My hick uncle who lives in an extended trailer outside of Houston, Texas - Uncle Ray. Well, Uncle Ray likes making his own jerky, hunting deer, and fishing for catfish. When he visits New York for the holiday season he comes carrying a bag full of eye shattering racist comments, and also a couple gift certificates to Cabelas. Basically I was forced to reopen this Catalog and buy some shit or else my Uncles hard earned 40$ would go to waste. But Bro, you will be thoroughly surprised and amazed at how much 40 bills can get you in this bad boy.....I'm serious y'all need to hit it up online. But if you're too lazy let me bless you with some of your options. Remember this isn't just a magazine of incredible clothes, but also a complete [yet terribly sad] lifestyle catalog. Here are a few suggestions:

So you forgot to slip on a condom and you knocked up a red state corn fed chick? Guess little dudes a keeper. You know he's got them red state genetics so you mind as well embrace it. Cop little man one of these outfits. Just make sure to tie him to a tree or something if you let him outside; if the little fucker runs off in that camo you'll never find him.


Do you want to shoot things but are too fat and lazy to stand, or even lay on the ground to do so? Pick up this sweet little number. It has a TV dinner tray attached! More Meatloaf please.....How convenient is that.
















I Don't know what this does but I'm sure it hurts. I'm also sure it gives the hunted animal a "sporting" chance.













I know what you're thinking, "but what about my gay outdoorsy friends?" Look no further: ultramax cowboy load bullets. Perfect.


What's that? You haven't seen a crossbow in awhile?... KAAZAAAMMM!!!











How bad do you want to close the hatch on this contraption and roll these two idiots down the hill.
















But dannyfresh, once I kill the animals what do I do next? Easy. Just shove it through this thing and it's a ready to grill.

??????
Don't forget to check out the amazing deals in the "Bargain Cave"......Oh man I could do this for days...........

Take That Turkey

Damn son why are dudes in Turkey so effing ignorant?

WE'RE YOU THE ONE IN BIO DOME?

You know that you've been drinkin' a bit too much when you find yourself in a virtually empty bar playing beer pong on a Sunday night til' 4 in the morning. Not because it's a Sunday night, but because one of the 5 other patrons in the bar is Daniel Baldwin; looking real sweaty and as if he hit every bump on his fall off the wagon. And he leaves the bar before you do. Eww.

THE HANDWRITING OF A SERIAL KILLER

Remember that scene in Natural Born Killers when Woody Harrelson is writing a letter or something and he has that crazy serial killer/4-year old handwriting? Peep this Joey D postcard from Mexico I found the other day.
[click on images to enlarge]

DANNY, PAUL AND PET ROBOT -1981

MY NECK..... MY BACK

Bro's were walking through the East Village the other day on a [way too regular] unemployed daytime journey. Apparently the streets are fairly empty in these early afternoon hours. So empty in fact- that those who need to take care of their most embarassing tasks do so in broad fucking daylight. Let me explain. As Paully P and I worked our way across the street I noticed one of those old school Barber shops, the type that costs around 10$$ for a tight Paully P gumby fade [think pete nice from third base...], in fact everyone who goes in basically ends up with the same cut. These barber shops are usually manned by Russians, Domincans, Serbians or Puerto ricans.....whomever is doing the cutting, very little english is being spoken. Anyway, I was about to tell Paully P that he should get his wig cut when we noticed what was going on inside the shop. There, in plain view for all the world to see, some dude was seated in one of the barber chairs, leaning forward with no shirt on. Behind him, the barber, with scary barber shop razor in hand was - SHAVING HOMEBOYS BACK. HUH?!? Has anyone ever seen this before? If dudes are too "manly" to get their back waxed do they just head to the local barber shop? Am I the last to know that regular working class dudes are gettin' their backs trimmed? How does that conversation go down. Can you imagine:

Barber: Hello my friend, how can I help you?
Dude: Hows it goin'? Yeah, just gimme a trim on the top, hook up the side burns and FADE MY BACK.
Barber: ......

SUPERSTAR

http://www.hagadone.blogspot.com/

looking for sweet woman

hello, my name is joseph adair delano.
i am 27 years old and i live in brooklyn.
i love to explore new things and meet new people.
i like laughing and having a good time.
i like to drink, a lot.
i will probably try to kiss you, at least once.
(if you are a girl that is).
i like the mustache look lately.

please email me if you are interested.
thank you and have a great night.

joseph adair delano

Sheik Hassan YaYo

During a special news conference held by, Sheik Hassan Nasrallah, the Hezbollah chief became increasingly less and less tolerant of reporters asking questions pertaining to the war with Israel. After a persistant two-week on-slaught demonstrated by the Israeli army against his overpowered terrorist cell, the seemingly frustrated terrorist leader began resorting to hood tactics..... Here the Sheik is shown preparing to answer questions using the double-fisted Tony YaYo "you can't see me" jumpoff

IS YOUR EYEBALL GONNA STAY THAT CREEPY?

So I am basically recovered from my surgery. I still can't feel my nose, when I smile it feels like something might rip and I'm sickly addicted to this nasal spray... but honestly it's kinda crazy how fast the human body can heal. And medical technology is pretty impressive as well- I mean they basically opened up my nose from the inside straightend and clipped cartilage, dug some holes and sewed it all up- without breaking any exterior skin....it's been a week and my nose looks fine. That's nuts. But what I've really discovered through this procedure is that my friends have absolutely no idea what I look like. None. Although at this point I look 100% the same as I did pre-surgery, the responses received concerning my operation have been: "Oh man! It Looks real poofy toward the top," "Dude, Your nose is turned way more upright," "Oh wow, your nostrils look huge!," "It looks like it shrank your upper lip," "Wow. I can't believe you decided to come out looking like that,""Is it going to stay that bumpy?,""So are you gonna ever look the same again?" What!?! Believe me I'm not the most self concious person in the world but I'm also not the least. I would know if they put my nose on backwards. What I realized is this surgery basically gave everyone free reign to focus on and describe any features on my face that people think are weird. "Are your eyebrows gonna stay that bushy?" -What? "Why did they make your forehead so lumpy?" -Huh? "Is the swelling gonna go down in your front teeth?"- Motherfucker they operated on my nose.

What'd you say? You like dead rappers and old cartoon characters? Have I got a shirt for you

**click on image to enlarge

YOU MIGHT BE A LOSER...IS THAT ALRIGHT?

I went to get cash at some shitty ATM outside a Mexican deli in the LES. After I entered my PIN number the screen displayed the most curtious ATM notice I've ever seen:

You might not get a receipt for this transaction. Is that Alright?

I looked around, a bit perplexed. Live bank tellers aren't that sweet. That was awfully kind of you MR. ATM I thought, but what you should have said was:

You might not want to take out any money, cause then you'll only have 26 bucks left in your account and will suffer a full on anxiety attack followed by feelings of helplessness and depression. Alright?

iL'AL TAN TARKOWITZ

I have received numerous emails regarding the whereabouts of Illy-Al Zarkowitz considering the current climate in the middle East. No worries people. According to The Zark the climate is: "perfect for tanning." Besides the middle Eastern sun, the birage of bombs and explosions have added a significant amount of radiation that leads to a wonderful "glow" making tanning oils completely unnecessary. There are dangers of tanning in the middle of a regional conflict. Look at this poor fool to next to Al Zark...dude took a stray Hezbollah missile to the beak. But don't worry about Zarky, the Orioles cap and those shorts are actually made of Kevlar....I think that little patch of chest hair may be bulletproof too. Holler.

I AM DEFINITELY NOT OK

Its been a few days since my operation and things are progressing. I'm no longer bleeding all over myself. Or others for that matter. My tonsils have shrank back down to a tolerable size where I can swallow without actually choking on them. Yesterday I went back for a post-op checkup, where the doctor proceeded to remove two 4-inch plastic things from the inside of my nose and then shove a metal vacuum contraption up my nostrils to suck up the blood-all the while asking me things like: "Are you ok?," "So. What kinda work do you do again?" "What do you think of this weather?" .................. Am I ok? Weather? All I could say was "ehhh.. " I mean honestly doc, you basically just removed a piece of my brain and are repeatedly shoving a vacuum up my face...Exactly how ok do you really think I feel right now. Do you see the sweat pouring down my face? Do you see my eyes twitching and rolling back into my skull? Even if I could think of something to say I would have to shout over the deasil engine powering that evil suction device. Lets just save the small talk for some other time ok doc? Just plug up this hole in my brain and we'll call it a day.

INCREDIBLY UNBECOMIING DIGITAL PORTRAITURE VOL. 1