THE SILVERBACK-BROZILLA

As a few of you may now know a couple members of the Bro Report's Editorial staff headed to upstate New York this past weekend. And while part of the journey was trying to leave paully p at a yoga-hippie commune and watch him hulk out on the pacifists, the true reason for the trip was to search for the illusive Sasqwatch which was reportedly sighted in the same region. Well folks...The Bro team captured what may be the first upclose image of this "grasshopper" feeding beast. The conversation and images you are about to see are all real. I warn you these images may be disturbing.

Somewhere in the woods.........................
Bro#1: Yo....You hear that?
Bro#2: Yeah...it sounded fuckin' weird.
Bro#1: Bro, i'm starting to get freaked out.....wait. Do you see that?
Bro#2: See what? Nah.....Oh, i think i can make out something....

Bro#1: What's that weird light? Fuck man....I can't see shit
Bro#2: It sounds like something is right in front of us......
Bro#1: Quick turn on the flash Light

***************************CLICK***************************

Holy Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EEEEEEEEWWWWWWW

Bro#1: So wait she threw up?
Bro#2: Yeah. But it wasn't like real throw up..it was just girl throw up.....
Bro#1: Huh? Wait...you made out with her afterwards didn't you?!?
Bro#2: I'm not answering that question.

BROS ON THE PATH

The following article was written by Bro-tributer: Jtupp aka The LES smoked fish king

Warning! Bros have been spotted gettin' their spiritual groove on just a few miles north of the city. Many city dwellers spend time up there seeking the spiritual truths within them but these Bros had a different idea, with the intention of bagging some spiritualized punani, five here unnamed Bros, have spent a few days on "The Ashram" [hereafter to be known as "The Shram"] working the "We're bros and don't really understand yoga or meditation. Would it be possible for you to show us the bouncing lotus on my spitting stick?" Mind you a technique that hasn't been used since the late 60's. To these Bros dismay the band of Jivamukti models searching for the not so new but quite relaxing, forward bend meets arching back with my dick in her ass, were no where to be found. Beware these Bros may be suffering some fallout from their experiences at "The Shram." They may try to talk about their feelings more or bust out with the occasional "OM" or some other Sanskrit shit. DO NOT RESPOND! Turn around and walk away. We wouldn't want to perpetuate their connections to the spiritual realm they believe they have discovered. Experiments are underway to see the true effects of "The Shram" on Bros. Until we know more be wary, very wary.

PAT ROBERTSON IS A BEAST

Peep your man Pat Robertson, you know the evangelical jerk-face who drops amazing quotes like this:

"Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history."

But never mind all that. If THIS shit is true i will straight up become an envangelical christian on the spot. Praise the lord. AP Article: Robertson says he leg pressed 2,000 pounds.

"Hate Me Today" ... Not a Problem!

I'VE DONE IT!!! I have made a tremendously important scientific discovery. I have officially found the worst Video/Song ever made. After approximately 13 years of extensive research I can officially say this is the worst joint ever. Like the apple on Newton's head this discovery happened randomly. I returned from work, and turned on Fuse (the bootleg MTV2) to kill some time before the Newshour (Shout out Jim Lehrer, I see you Bro). And this monstrosity is what I saw ... So maybe you say, "Dr. Taliban, there are many many terrible songs? Why this one? Well I will outline my scientific measures:
1) Sound: This really truly sounds profoundly awful
2) Lyrics: It is a song about his own suicide. All I gotta say is please please live your lyrics ... he actually says, "While I was busy waging wars on myself. You were trying to stop the fight." What? Did you really say that douche? Are you retarded or mentally ill? Clearly you are at least one.
3) Visuals: This dude is a fat Goth, which is completely unacceptable. Then he plays a third rate emo song (as defined by MTV, not Rites of Spring). Then he plays a fifties looking guitar for no reason. The video starts with him listening to an answering machine message from his mother, post-suicide, and then troops through his crib reliving the memories. Whoever's idea this video was should be shot and killed on site. Dude is wanted "death or alive", and I won't retract my statement 4 years later.

Now some may say that there are worse videos that have started truly terrible trends, maybe a Korn video and that whole Nu-Metal thing. But my analysis is based purely on the video not historical factors.

Dr. Robbie Tailban received his PhD in Unwarranted Anger from the University of Self Recrimination. He currently teaches Hulkanomics at Prick University.

BARBECUE ADVICE FROM THE BRO'S

Some words of advice from the BMB [the Bro Ministry of Barbeque] on this Memorial Day weekend. When you put Kielbasa, Sausage, them weirdo extra fat hotdog jumpoffs or any other meat product sealed in some sort of casing and shaped like a weiner, please, please remember to either poke said product with fork or slash with a knife during final stages of grilling. This will release the pressure or what is known as: "super meat juice buildup." This simple yet effective step will prevent the person eating the grilled item from biting into it and releasing a boiling hot fire hose strength explosion of eastern european sausage juice from hitting them directly in the fucking eyeball. I'm not saying it happened to me i'm just saying it could happen and it hurt really bad.

IF YOUR STOMACH WASN'T GAY I WOULDN'T BE ANTI-SEMITIC

I made an important observation at work the other day. However, I have to preface this observation with three things (1) My father's Jewish, making me half-Jewish (2) I work at a talent agency which is pretty much the epicenter of Judiasm…and (3) JEWS HAVE THE WEAKEST STOMACHS in the World. Never in my life have I seen more people leave work claiming "food poisoning." Oh, Noah from the legal department doesn't feel good huh?? Let me guess…….food poisoning? How the fuck can you claim to be the "chosen people" when you miss three days of work every time you eat a California roll. What the hell is wrong with you and your weak-as-shit stomach? I have never had food poisoning in my life and I stay eating at them greasy spoon, roached out, rice and beans spots. Don't get me wrong, I like Jews, I even love my cheap-ass-shit, self-loathing Father…except that time he flew down to New Orleans to see me in college and hit me off with a crisp ten dollar bill…does it look like I'm smoking them bobos and a quick ten spot is what I need?? Sure I could cop a rock from some dudes on Oak street….but Dad, are you really setting the right example??? Jerk. As much as I love Jews, I refuse to accept the fact that as a people, their stomachs are gay. Of course, now that I've written this, I'm definitely coming down with the sickest, life-threatening food poisoning ever…..thanks Dad.

OLD PEOPLE AND TECHNOLOGY DON'T MIX

Its been well documented how annoying it is when people walk around with that bluetooth jump off in their ear. You can't tell if people are crazy, talking to you or yelling at you...plus everyone looks like some self important Star Trek asshole. Maybe a handful of people actually have jobs and need those things [like outsourced IT people in Bangladesh]. Whatever.. Well, my Dad has been asking me questions about those ear pieces for awhile now, and yesterday I came back from dinner to see my dad chilling on the couch with his attempt at this "new" technology. Dude had one of those extra old school headsets on. This joint was not bluetooth. It had no teeth. It was large and plastic and had a wrap around mouth piece with a huge foam thing over the microphone. There was a huge cable that attached to what looked like a battery pack and then back into the phone, I think it even had a chin strap.......He looked ridiculous. First off my dad doesn't work, has like 4 friends, and is not a Queens taxi cab dispatcher - so my man has absolutely no need for this thing. Maybe it allows him to drink a beer, read The Times, and eat potato chips at the same time without ever having to pick up the phone to talk...i don't know. Secondly, dude is just walking around the crib with at least 10 pounds of phone equipment strapped to him like he works for AT&T. Watching your parents become senile is a scary thing.

HEY!!!! WATCH THE VIOLIN DUDE....

So the other night Paully P and I checked out the Gnarls Barkley show. Here are the top 5 things about the Show:

#5. Cee Lo dressed in a blonde wig, tight lime green spandex, a cape, and referring to himself as "Mr. Lo- Jangles" as he mooned the crowd.

#4. The backing band of 14 or so people [including a 6 person string section] also wearing huge wigs and capes who called themselves "Brush Fire" and said they had just got off tour with "Foreigner."

#3. Dangermouse removing his huge wig only to reveal his own naturally huge afro/wig.

#2. Watching Big Gip, T.I., Carmello Anthony, Diddy, Lyor Cohen, and Jay -Z bob their heads to some fake 70's glam soul/rock.

#1. Cee-Lo pulling a water bottle out of the Crotchel region of his spandex, taking a sip and then spraying water all over the crowd and band. Including the string section- who mostly smiled, EXCEPT for one super nerdy asian dude from Julliard who, wearing a giant blonde wig, sat there FURIOUS that his violin got wet and then looked from left to right through his wet glasses at his fellow string section searching for some empathy - finally settling on just wiping the instrument clean with his blue leopard print cape. It's rock and roll nerd face!

A TEE FOR HIPSTER CHICKS THAT'S NOT IRONIC

Introducing TBR's latest line of sportswear for the consumate indie lass, and just in time for the summer concert season.
Now you can hit those rooftop BBQ's in style while you anxiously await the return of your shaggy-dooed beau from his band’s self-financed tour of the nation’s sleaziest dives . . . and the results of your latest PAP smear.

HELP ROCKER

This is not a game. This guy's the real deal. Check out his profile. HELP!

I'VE FALLEN AND I WON'T GET UP

What is the easiest way to bipass the Terry Schiavo fiasco of last year? How do you prevent politicians and religious nuts from telling you what to do with your own body? Get a tattoo of course. That's what an 80 year old Iowa woman did, getting, "DO NOT RESUSCITATE," tattooed on her CHEST. Damn. Now that's the real Thug Life. [On a side note when i googled "Thug Life+2Pac," this was one of the first images to appear. I don't care if it's expensive. Panties made of gold chains is NOT GANGSTER. Which reminds me: please remove any homoerotic photos of myself from the internet once i die. please.]

ZARK IS GULLY...........

First of all, The Bro Report needs to understand that this is not a game. This CIB (Central Intelligence Brogency) is really starting to cramp my steez, so as retaliation, I've kidnapped Ev-rocker. I'm making a few demands that need to be taken real seriously or else Evan's gonna continue getting this Chinese Water Torture. He's really starting to freak out, so it would be in the best interest of the powers that be to start making some moves. First, this shit, as of now, is gonna be known as the "Zark Report." All things Zark, Bitches......

Next, the 300 acres of land the Bro Report just purchased for "The Brogency" headquarters, yeah, you're coming off at least 200 of those. I need to stretch out bro. This 1 bedroom shit is starting to get a little tight...
Besides what it costs these days to buy something, or to even put something on it, is enough to have this bro resorting to violence. I mean isn't it really interesting that young men and women are able to afford rent in neighborhoods like Williamsburg....... Yet spend their entire week-day afternoons walking around town, carrousing, while I'm at work, prostituting myself just to keep brown sugar "Pop-Tarts" in the cupboard. No motherfucker..... moms isn't helping out anymore. "Get a job!" Preferably one that you hate, and that has absolutely nothing to do with what you aspire to do.. Unfortunately your art career probably won't take off as quickly as you'd like it to.

So I've resorted to this, snatching up one of The Bro Report's key elements, Easy Ev Rocker and using him as leverage against the very agency responsible for his fame and fortune... Since it is very well known that Evan is responsible for some of the funniest, yet most informative posts, I knew it wouldn't be long before people started to question his whereabouts.. Not to worry Mr. Dannyfresh, your friend is fine for now but don't test me.... I expect full cooperation.

So, if you ever wish to see Evan again.............................

We should probably have a cook out next weekend... Maybe Prospect Park? We'll have to see what the weather looks like...

I expect to hear from you very soon concerning this matter .

ps.. It wouldn't be Zark without at least one "hate" tangent caught in the mix..
Zark for Mayor!

tis the season

Uh Oh
It's looking kinda sunny out there right now. Apparently the early spring hailstorms are finally over. It's about to be summer time and you know what that means. Varsity tanning season fool! Kids are trtying to be real bronzed by the time the season starts.
Some bros (this kid right here) have already been putting in work in the Caribbean. What cha’ll got on that? Nothing that’s what, I’m Straight up Captain of the varsity squad. Don’t get discouraged though, it’s still the preseason, but you best get training. It's no joke out there and you don't want to get caught looking real pasty.

see you at the neptune line, like the 8:35 jump off.

KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE FRIES

Around lunchtime female Co-worker # 1 returns to the office with one of those fucked up HUGE McDonalds shopping bags.....

Me: WOAH there.....
Co-Worker#1: No, no.. its all they had, i........
Co-Worker#2: Damn, I didn't know McDonalds sold a Mc-Leg of Lamb...
Co-Worker#3: Whatever's in there definitely ain't from the dollar menu...

YOUR KID IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE

So I was at this lunch spot in Brooklyn coppin' a tasty treat when this couple walks in with their GI-NORMOUS child. The kid couldn't have been older than 5 but must have weighed at least a buck 25. I honestly couldn't tell if it was a boy or a girl... It was wearing an XL basketball jersey and at one point this huge titty popped out the side.....which made me feel oddly curious, ashamed, amused and sad all at the same time. So what does shorty order? A bacon, bacon, bacon, egg and cheese AND huge bottle of Yoohoo. [Ok the kid didn't order a triple bacon egg and cheese but he did order a regular B+E+C and then proceed to bang on the table saying "BACON, BACON, BACON," over and over again.] I am not blaming that king kong-like child.....it's not the kids super hungry fault. It's the parents. How can you let your child eat to the point of uber-obesity? Are you bathing him/her in lard? Ever heard of vegetables? Is the amount of chins on your kids face a sign of wealth in your fucked up country? Whatever it is, please please save some bacon for me.

you're welcome, YOU'RE ALL WELCOME

Since the Bro's have moved into our new sprawling 300 acre facility that now houses: TBR Headquarters, the CIB (Central Intelligence Brogency), the BMS (Bro Ministry of Statistics), the Executive and Judicial wings, as well as bunk beds, foosball, a scotch cellar and a domino table with surrounding arena seating, it has come to our attention that the walls are looking kinda bare. We need to get some visual interest on all the miles and miles of pristine white walls people! "Not to worry." says Bro from another Mo, Ryder Vaux. He has submitted the very first piece of Bro Report inspired art. Behold the references to All Things Bro, in this case whiskey, smokes and maracas. Thank you Ryder, The Bro Report salutes you. If anyone else would like to contribute art to these hallowed halls, please holler at us at: TheBroReport@gmail.com.

LAWFIRMS ARE FULL OF RETARDS

I wandered into the little cubicle/kitchen station on my floor in the office to encounter this:

In case you can't read the text on this bottle that someone took the time out of their day to type up, print and affix - it says, "THIS WILL SELF DESTRUCT IF REMOVED FROM THIS LOCATION."

INVESTIGATIVE BRO REPORTS

I know all of you loyal TBR readers have been wondering what has happened to the Evrocker. Dude has been missing in action almost since he's been rocked. Well, once again The Bro Report's investigative wing, the Central Intelligence Brogency, went into the bowels of the seedy New York underworld in search of a missing Bro. Now this is the very same CIB that somehow found and brought back the illusive Illy Al Zarkowitz, so you know they're serious. Unfortunately after weeks of operations only a few bits of evidence as to Evrockers possible whereabouts/activities have been discovered. This fuzzy image below was captured at an unidentified location....the picture is too blurry to know for sure....Could this be Evrocker? Does he have a long lost twin sister? Is he undergoing some weird hormone therapy? The CIB will continue to look into this matter but has said to have located a new trail of evidence, as they have been notified of a missing shipment of Lamb and Mint potato chips which was mysteriously stolen out the back of a truck on canal street. Stay tuned for updates.

LAND OF THE FREE HOME OF THE BRAVE

This morning I had a weird experience. So I had the sick 'medicine head' this morning from this Nyquil Jump Off from last night, and it was raining, and it was Monday so I was already prepared to "hulk-out." So I get to the subway station take a seat and wait to get mashed into a subway car with the scum of the earth. Some Asian woman with the worst acne imaginable sits next to me:
Asian woman (in extra broken English): It raining bad
Me: Yeah it kinda is
Asian woman: you have umbrella, very nice
Me: um, yeah, you're gonna need one today
Asian woman (rubs my arm): where you go?
Me: (where is this convo going): Um, the Bronx
Asian woman: long trip for you
Me: Agreed
Asian woman: you give me umbrella since you trip so long, I have many places to go today
Me: No ... are you crazy?!
Asian woman: Don't be mean

That joint was one of those Kid A moments of "This isn't happening" ... Did some strange foreigner grab my arm and try to get me to run my umbrella ... I don't know how they rock in other countries but here in the U.S. of fuckin A, you cop your own umbrella or you get soaked ... God Bless America!

HAVE ANOTHER AMSTEL...JERK.

I’ve never been a big fan of going out with co-workers for drinks after work. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of cool people that some of us work with, however, I’ve never been in more uncomfortable conversations with people I know and care little about. Why is it that homegirl who never makes eye-contact with you at work suddenly decides to tell you she’s never had an orgasm in her entire life and starts rubbing your back with awkward strokes??? Why is Mr. Office Comedian twisted off of two beers and talking three inches from my face-piece??? (by the way, I fucking hate you bro, you’re not even remotely funny, matter of fact, every time I hear your voice I get the sudden urge to drop kick something. I can’t wait to quit my job and bump into you on the street, you awful jew-faced clown.) Hey Todd from the accounting department, did you really light the wrong end of your cigarette…TWICE?? Why are all of you twisted off your ass and sweating profusely??? Did that gross girl just tell me that it looks like I have nice abs??? I’ll see you morons in the office; at least there you can all front like you’re not a sick nerd who gets bent off of one-and-a-half Amstels. Jerkoffs.

MY PHONE IS TAPPED.

Two weeks after this conversation the head of the CIA resigned….coincidence? I think not.

Dan: I ran into liz yesterday.....oh wait, the day before..i was going to see Brick
Rob: Oh yeah she told me ... She's going to Spain on sat for like two weeks ...I hate her for that.
Dan: I Hate people who are enjoying their lives.
Rob: Me too ... cause I ain’t going to Spain, so i'm gonna be pointlessly furious with her for going to Spain .. pure logic
Dan: Dude i looked at the stats of some of these blogs and they are pulling in the way more readers than us....
Rob: Bullshit! We should debow their joints -
Dan: I dunno ...we need to step our game up and also just holler at cats to make sure their reading it and not just sleeping on our sad, sad brilliance or…..maybe we should turn The Bro into a porn site
Rob: Word ... child porn!
Dan: Damn. Now the CIA is definitely bugging my comp...…way to go ROB TALIHAN
Rob: I’m gonna kill the president…….just kidding FBI!
Dan: Dick Cheney is dead.......
…..to me b/c of his policies.
Rob: So the other day me and this dude Osama was chillin right ... just effing with ya FBI
Dan: Bro, i just copped this awesome book online about how to construct a pipe bomb with simple kitchen products...AWESOME! Eff U Porter Goss! Just kidding dude, relax.
Rob: I think the Feds are raiding TBR headquarters as we speak
Dan: Anyway…Did you get the good news? your gas problems over dude! Beans are now gas free!
Rob: Oh i heard ... but the question is: do those beans still taste proper-dukes
Dan: Its weird, apparently now they taste like farts.
Rob: Fuck that’s delicious

LEBRON SHOULD SAY "FUCK ALL YALL"

I normally try to shy away of "basketball posts" cuz you know, I play basketball and it's just too easy but this is unavoidable...

MY MAN LEBRON JAMES IS THE FUCKING TRUTH!! This dude is like 14 years old and is punishing fools. Got that good triple double against the Detroit Pistons in the very crucial game 3. What intrigues me most is that just when everybody was talking shit about him he does this to silence the haters. I mean the hate was thick too. Even ESPN.com was throwing shade at him. Lebron has this new commercial joint that is pretty fly. Nike shit, all these folks are wearing black shirts that read "witness" while he is just banging on cats all commercial long. That shit is kinda genius to me. ESPN.com had the nerve to clown that whole campaign since the Cavs lost the first two games..."Witness to what?" is what it said on the front page of ESPN.com. Now look at what ESPN has to say after L.B. had his way with Detroit. Get off his dick you suckas, NOW you want to give him respect. Stop lying to yourselves, you know Lebron is the best player in the NBA. You know what else? Yeah i'm going to say it... Lebron James is going to be better than Jordan!

June 1st That Man They Call Salvi will be posting up in NYC for the summer. So if you see me wondering around the streets, point me in the right direction or at least give me a light.

WATCH OUT FOR THE WOBBLERS

Walking around NYC gives one ample time to observe (creep out) all types, shapes and colors of women. And the women know that Dudes are scoping, so they try to stay fly and I'm not mad at that. What I am mad at is when girls try so hard to be fly that they lose all common sense. Listen, high heels can look sweet, it makes the legs look longer, the ass more proper - no complaints with that. But Ladies. Please. Let The Bro Report offer you a few words of advice. If you can't walk in those joints - don't wear them. I can't explain how retarded it looks to see a girl wobbling around in heels looking like their ankles are straight made of rubber. Its' mind boggling how painful it looks. Do you realize that you only look good when you are standing perfectly still? As soon as you start walking it's like a drunken newborn Giraffe - unstable, legs looking like they may give out at any second. Get yourself a high heel starter kit, practice at home or something, but please don't break out those stilettos until you learn to ride them without training wheels. [ALSO!] However, if you wobble around and accidentally fall on Paully P's penis - he won't be mad at you. In fact, lately it's his only strategy for getting laid.

TINKLE TINKLE LITTLE STAR

Damn. I can't believe that to "R.Kelly" someone has seriously become part of people's vocabulary. Then again using the word "tinkle" is kinda weird too.

Radio DJ Star: "Yes, I disrespected your seed. If you didn't hear me, I said, I would like to do an R. Kelly on your seed, on your little baby girl. I would like to tinkle on her,"(Click for entire article).

THIS IS WHAT I LOOK AT EVERY DAY

Umm. Yeah. So apparently my request for an office [cubicle] with a "view" was interpreted a bit differently then I had imagined. It's not that I don't enjoy working in a hallway divided into cubicles constructed by file boxes and without air conditioning...it's just that I want to burn this place to the ground.

Damn Son!!!!!! You Just Got Knocked The Fuck Out!

After a grueling game of catch, The Big Debacle AKA Joey D, decides to rest his head.........

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh........................... Be very careful not to wake him..

YO FOOL. CHECK OUT THE NEW MUSIC ADDED TO BRO RADIO.

Craigslist Link of the Week

So wait, you're telling me strippers aren't happy with their jobs?

You Probably Can't Check Me Pops.

RECENTLY I made the horrible mistake of sharing with one of my middle-aged co-workers that I sometimes make appearances on local basketball courts. When I show up its usually not to watch, that's right, Zark laces em up.. Upon telling this clown at work about my game, he immediately comes at me with, "Yo, why don't you holler at me next time and I'll come get up with you wherever y'all are playing at." To set the record straight, I'm not totally against that. I mean dude could have some serious game. Alot of time old dudes are notorious for making bank-shot jumpers that they really have no business making. Sometimes having that cat on your squad can pay crucial dividends...............

What I am against is, everytime I walk past my man Ray at work I get D'ed up.. Even sometimes when I'm not expecting it, this motherfucker will straight creep out from behind a wall that I just so happen to be walking by, and straight get into a defensive stance and start smacking the floor... Chill the fuck out Dominican Pistol Pete. That shit is real uncomfortable.. It's no secret that I really don't like my job, and the new perk is having Dominican Ray size me up for some straight old man defense every time he gets the chance...
I am so sick of hearing, "you better not be coming up to the court wearing some tight-ass John Stockton shorts, and some beat up Chucks." Alright Ray, I'm calling your bitch-ass this weekend, so go ahead and get your Short Term Disability benefits straightened out, you could end up missing a few days of work after this........

Zark is Back

YOU'RE PLAYING YOURSELF

1) Stop telling me you can’t compare shit because it’s “like comparing apples and oranges.” Guess what retard, you can compare anything. Apples are gross and oranges are straight delicious…be a man and tell me who you REALLY think would win in a fight between King Kong and Godzilla. (the correct answer is King Kong…he’ll punish that jerkoff lizard)

2) Stop calling me into your office to tell me that I have to shave. Fuck you and your WASPY facial hair. Does it look like I’m from a Scandinavian country and can shave with a wet butter knife??? You really want me to shave EVERYDAY? Well, you better be prepared to see me bleeding profusely all over your fuckin office. Oh, they sell razors for sensitive skin???? I don’t care if they’re selling the Mach 40, that shit won’t do anything to my nappy, course as steel wool, facial hair.

3) Hey Arab deli owner on 123rd, why do you charge me a different price everytime you see me. Matter of fact, why do you look at my hand to see what I’m holding before you give me the price? Does it look like we’re playing poker? Then why the fuck are you trying to read my hand!!!! Let me save you the suspense….i’m holding a lot less money than you think, so stop charging me 4 bills for a Snapple and a bag of Munchos. Just because I’m rocking a suit doesn’t give you the right to judge me…..terrorist.

MY STARTING FIVE

This Bro has beeen playin' Ball for a long time. There is nothing quite like heading to the park, finding some courts and playing basketball for a couple hours on a sunny day. Through years of participation, wins, losses, good games, bad games and everything inbetween, I have been able to identify several types of street ball players that can be found at ANY and EVERY court...Now this list is far from comprehensive, and I'm not even gonna take into account that Rucker/And-1 type baller, cause that's on some other level, but what I mean is that if you head to your normal basketball court in an urban area you will definitely find these dudes. You may not believe it, but if you put these 5 guys together on the same squad..they will run the court. My starting 5:

Dominican smooth:
This latin mutherfucker was a pretty boy in highschool but was too skinny to really pull game. He's the first dude to bitch about getting fouled no matter how soft the contact, but will act real ignorant if you call him for slapping you up. 9 out of 10 times dominican smooth is wearing a pair of white air force ones and white socks with some crucially skinny ankles. If there is more than one of these dudes on the court at once then the game will take at least 2 hours cause they will not stop arguing. [not to be confused with Dominican Lou.]

Old School:
This guy is kinda my man. He maybe could of played D1 back in the day but the booze and crack combo caught him hard. He was definitely homeless at some point in his life and he may now live on that very basketball court. He's usually missing at least two teeth and reeks of Old English. My man is probably a lefty and has the sick Jumpshot off back board that is unguardable. As soon as the game is over he will try to bum a smoke from you. That's my man.

Billy Ho'
This is that white dude who comes to the court looking like he borrowed every item of clothing from a different person on his way to the park. Overly nice ("hey man what's your name?") and with double ankle braces and one of those larry bird behind the head releases on the jump shot that is un blockable. He may have played D1 at Iowa or gave up his basketball dreams to go to med school due to family pressure.

Baby Daddy:
This kinda plump black dude comes to the court with a mouth guard and cell phone plus his baby and baby momma. Baby momma will sit on a park bench looking REAL bored while his daughter restlessly climbs all over the place. Through out the game he'll stop play to tell his daughter to stop acting a fool. He will also make and/or receive at least 5 phone calls throughout the game.

Kurt Rambis:
This older white man ranges in age between 35 - 65. He may or may not have protective glasses and a knee brace but definitely has the sick boxing out technique and will catch even his own teammates with his bony-ass elbows and knees. Kurt Rambis will set a screen that will straight dislocate your jaw. These dudes are the worst to play against cause they will bruise you to death and are the only guys known to dive on asphalt for a loose ball.

Honorable mention:
The Big Sweaty:
Please put your shirt back on. I don't think i need to say more.
The Big B.O.:
Likewise.
The Big Debacle AKA Joey D.
I have only encountered one dude in my lifetime that balls like this. The only way to describe it is if you took a 5' 10" white dude with a belly and a slight case of bi-polar disorder and had him smoke a sick amount of meth before going to the park. He will keep score the entire game and consistently get it wrong - in the other teams favor. At times it seems as if he has lost both hearing and vision as he attacks the rim with a series of left handed sideways runners in the lane. However just when you start to underestimate the Big Debacle, he will hit you with the spinny cross over and break your ankles. He is hands down the most irrational baller ever.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS ZARK?

The Bro Report's middle east (brooklyn) correspondent Al Zarq "The Shark," AKA Benji Al-Zarkowitz, AKA Ayo Zarkowee, AKA Osama beatmakin' Laden has gone missing. The Zarq's past hideout, Baldos Pizzeria in Greenpoint has been staked out with no success. Rumor has it Zarqowitz has been hiding from the IRS in a sparse mountainous region located along the border of Afghanistan and Pakistan called, "Sunset Park." Making his way through abandoned pipe factories and with the help of Italian New York METS fans he has managed to avoid most detection by allied forces. This man is armed with the ability to hate on almost anything (with the exception of petable canines), a serious appetite for Burritos, and an unbelievably consistent tardiness. Be forewarned, he is dangerous if cornered.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

first and foremost, happy cinco de mayo! i hope that you are able to look deep in your heart today and try to remember why it is so important that we celebrate this day, especially in our current situation... and if you do remember, gimme a call cause i have no idea.

JEWISH SLUTS OR MUSLIM FRIENDS?

The following Bro Report was filed by Op-Ed Contributor C Mike:

Yesterday I stumbled out into the hall to hear my neighbor arguing with his girlfriend:

DUDE: ....I don't know what you're talking about.
FEMALE: I am going to say this one more time, calmly, before I leave your apartment. Why are you on J-Date!

It got me thinking about how J-Date is a veritable jewish orgy, and how lucky jews are to have such slutty, slutty sluts who sign up for this thing because they just want to bang a doctor or whatever. Until, I hear this:

FEMALE: You're not even jewish.
Hold up. I'm sorry, what? Gentiles are infiltrating the J-Date? When did goyim start pretending to be jews? What do they have to hate about themselves? I thought we had the monopoly on self-loathesomeness? Is nothing sacred anymore?

Note from the Editor: What if you don't like jewish sluts? Maybe a more conservative shrouded women is more to your liking? Well to ensure you, the reader of The Bro Reports multicultural sensibilities the editorial staff recommends you check out: Muslim Friends. Or maybe you want to skip the entire courtship process altogether and get hitched: HERE.

....DAMN STRAIGHT....

Movies Under The BROOKLYN BRIDGE This SUMMER!!!!!!!(click me)!!!!!!!!!

WORD UP BROS AND NON-BROS..... THIS IS ALWAYS A FRESH SPOT TO GO CHECK OUT WITH A FEW BROS OR MAYBE A SWEET LADY.... IT'S WACK THAT THE FILMS DON'T START UNTIL JULY THOUGH....... I WAS LOOKING AT THE FILMS SHOWING THIS SUMMER AND I WAS LIKING SOME OF THEM....... BUT THEN I GOT DOWN TO THE LAST FILM AND I ACTUALLY JUMPED UP IN JOY AND HIT MY HEAD ON THE FUCKING CEILING.......

THE WARRIORS..................WHAT THE FUCK?
BROS KNOW I AM GONNA BE AT THAT SPOT ON THAT FUCKING NIGHT WITH SOME BEERS AND A PIZZA PIE FROM THE DOPE SPOT UNDER THE BROOKLYN BRIDGE.....

SWEETHEART

call me sappy if you must .. or weird, or whatever. But I like it when random strange older women call me sweetheart ... that joint just fills me with love. I think it's some nice shit to call someone ... So the other day I held open the door for this women and her mother (or sister, not really too sure) so they could get their double twin stroller (plus three year old in tow) through the doorway ... after which the mother-slash-older sister was like, "thank you sweetheart" in this real genuine way that made me feel like, "yo, people really are inherently good, and really want to treat each other with love and respect." ... and they were helping the little 3 year old along. So I step in the elavator after I let them through .. and the little 3 year old gives me a cute little smile (no child molester) and starts to jump up and down in the elevator in that little kid mini jump jumpoff kinda way, at which point the sweet kind woman who called me sweetheart straight up debows the girl with the illest swat to the head, and asks, rhetorically; "What the fuck is wrong with you????" ... Where were they going? you ask? ... The foster care agency on the 8th floor, of course.

THE TAO OF EVROCKER

The Following conversation took place on Tuesday between 1:29 and 1:34 PM.

Me: I think samantha is gonna send me some free lunch from her deli...its good to know people in high places...
Evan: The deli business is no joke...do you know what you're getting?
Me: nah...but they got a lot of stuff....
Evan: Isn't she aware that I eat sandwiches too - could you let her know - I'm kinda hungry
Me: what'll it be? pastrami?
Evan: too jew... Turkey maybe?
Me: Wasps love turkey
Evan: indeed
Me: Jew : Pastrami - AS - Wasp : Turkey.
Evan: Free huh? Does she know you're making over $100K a year?
Me: She knows that i'm a complete loser.
Evan: oh - way to lie dude. Remember the reality you see is the reality one isn't aware of - or something like that....
Me: oh yeah?....I forgot, whats my lie these days?
Evan: hey - I only make my own - that's your job.
Me: Right. Living at home taking care of my SICK father and working at a BIG FANCY corporate law firm getting RICH doing IMPORTANT work that i LOVE...
Evan: I think you're getting the hang of it - now spread the word and KAZAAM!!!! - you're an instant success
Me: KAAAZZAAAM! .........In my minds eye, I am already a big rich success...
Evan: Delusions of Adequacy. Congratulations, you've converted to Evanism. Welcome my son.
Me: You're good. You should write a book....the title: "Delusions of Adequacy and the Zen of Evanism." Now get writing.....
Evan: In my mind I've already finished it, so where does that leave me? I can't start again....
Me: WOW. you're like a pony tailed buddha..
Evan: Man i'm screwed up
Me: pretty much.

WILD TURKEYS OF LOWER MANHATTAN

I just wanted you guys to know that in a typical attempt to asuage my eco-guilt, and stack loot I have been riding my bike to work and back. This is the lone free-roaming Turkey I encountered Yesterday near Wall Street on my way home.

GOOD LOOKIN' OUT DOC

I usually don't believe in doctors or medicine for shit. I still think Aspirin and all that junk is a complete farce. They're placebos, and the desperate headachy public can't fucking tell if their head hurts or itches, but they pop Advils like Now and Laters anyway. But those anti-depressant/psycho drugs...them joints are the truth. Although they have tons of negative effect