This Stuff Eats Water Alive

I know a lot of you out there drink water. It makes a lot of sense, I mean, everybody does it. Seems like a safe bet. Minus the fluoride. Or is it plus the fluoride? Well anyway it's cool, but once in a while it's nice if something strays from the norm, sticks its neck out and really tries to innovate. Enter NyStop Foot Powder. KAZAAM!!!! This stuff eats water alive! It's remarkable. It costs a hundred bills but it's no joke. If you think your feet sweat then they probably do. You should know better than anyone. But what you need to know is that NyStop eats water alive, and you need to get it. I'm telling you. You could fall asleep standing in a flowing river in some unlaced Cole Haans and your feet would remain dry. Me NyStop, Me Hungry...

YOU KILLED MY FATHER

Prepare to die

ALL DAY I DREAM ABOUT RON

God forbid if this blog starts being about dudes dreams. I will throw up. Unless you're my girl I generally don't ever want know or hear about your thoughts while you're asleep. Ewwww. What's that Bro? You were dreaming about being at your grandma's place and you were eating spaghetti? I don't fucking care. However, there are exceptions: Paul charming the pants off the Olsen twins and having Rudy Giuliani menacingly point at him is a dream worth my time. Or, for example, my dream last night: I was chillin' in some generic High School Setting. I was inside a raucous auditorium and the School talent show was taking place....... Kinda boring right? But then who should enter stage left? Ron Artest. That's right Ron-Ron. Dude walked on stage and started just belting out and singing on some real heartfelt R&B tip. It was crazy. He was killing it! Everyone in the Auditorium was clapping and singing and all I could think about doing was text messaging fools to be like "Yo Ron-Ron is doing his thing at this talent show!" Which is weird because no one had cell phones when we were in high school.

I've been noticing lately that when people tell you to eat something because it's good for you what they really mean is that it's not bad for you. I know it seems like the same thing off the break but it's actually a load of horse shit. See, I was going to the diner to get a salad and I started to picture the one I wanted, cuz I'm real weird and I like to get really fuckin' stoked for mundane shit like eating and being alive. It comes with a lot of stuff that will stop your heart, but it also comes with mad lettuce. No other vegetables, just mad chopped up lettuce. That's when I realized that nutrients are fuckin' scarce. So I'm like okay at this point the only thing in this bitch that is healthy is the lettuce, and lettuce is really like the crunchiest of waters, so I don't know what the fuck is happening. Are nutrients so hard to come by that even healthy ass words like "salad" are just straight lying to the masses on the menus of our minds? Vitamins and minerals don't fit under the rug, bro, so stop making that awkward motion/balancing act with your foot like that because I do see you hoarding them shits and if nutrients get dusty then you can't really eat them anymore so you need to find a new hiding place. Cunt...

Greenpoint Bodysnatchers

I drove from D.C. to Brooklyn. Sat in a little bit of traffic, but nothing major. Ate a BK Chicken Tendercrisp, which is thorough. Made the trip in under 4-1/2 hours. Got back to the block and found a spot on the proper side of the street. Shit is real cool.. I walk all the way down the street with bags in hand and encounter this sitting on my front stoop.


Son....................... The Polish Three-Six Mafia, drinking brews, on my steps. First of all, don't even make it seem like I'm interrupting, you don't live here. Second, recognize the amount of luggage I'm carrying and get the fuck out of my way. Realizing that these cats were gonna just stay put and wanted me to squeeze past them, my shit snapped! While proceeding up the steps, I made sure to kinda nudge one of dudes with my bag, actually I sort of blessed him with that joint. I'm almost through the door and my man decides to flick a bottlecap at me, and he's like "my bad dog."

............................................KAZAAM!!!!!!!


Na, MY BAD DOG!!!!!!!!!!

Caught this kid slippin............................................
Straight pretzeling motherfuckers up on the front steps.......It ain't a game.....

Out,
Al ZarKowitz (The Brooklyn Brawler)

Speaking of Mug Shots

this dude won't eat you, but Bucking cops for Viagra is not a good look. Should've listened to Sonny.

HE WILL EAT YOU.

So my job just got a new temp, meet Brian. Brian is from Queens, He always has the funniest stories about his crazy cat....He's also totally into online video games and roller blading. What are you retarded? This is Nikolay Valuev he's a 7 foot Russian Boxer and dude is a beast. Right now he is 43-0, with 34 KO's [ Not counting the drunk elephant he apparently laid out at a bar in Moscow]. Look at my man's face....How many people do you think he has eaten? Honestly. His next fight is sometime in April and whether he clubs some dude to death in the ring or takes a serious loss it will be amazing entertainment. Stay tuned......

I'll HAVE A GINGER ALE FUCKFACE

I’m sure everyone is real tired of hearing me complain, and when I say everyone, I mean the 10 people who actually read this blog, but I have to point something out that my man Joey McJoeJoe brought up a couple nights ago: Bartenders are real fucking annoying. I used to think bouncers and that whole crew of retards were the worst, but it’s definitely the new breed of smug, self-righteous bartenders that have assumed the throne of douchebaggery. Guess what bartenders? Your sole purpose is to get me whatever the fuck I want, when I want it. You're my slave for exactly 30 seconds while I’m ordering a drink, so give me my drink with a goddamn smile. I’m not ordering some off the wall mai-tai malibu breezer, I’m just asking for a scotch on the rocks (shout out Peesky). This isn’t Coyote Ugly, I don’t want to hear what you have to say. You’re not important enough to role your eyes at me because you don’t like my choice of drink. Don’t give me that “NY” attitude, you weren’t born and raised here, you’re from some shit town with a population of exactly zero black people. You don’t like the fact that I want a Corona instead of an awful PBR? Fuck You. You forgot my drink order and get mad when I point that out? YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE. The bottom line is, you serve one purpose…getting me and my boy Joey McJoeJoe twisted.

P.S. Want to give a quick shout out to Bobby Taliban for three years ago ordering a ginger ale in one of those Coyote Ugly type bars just so we would get kicked out.

DUMMY

Yeah, I'll admit it, I love weed. I love the smell, the taste, shit I even love how it looks. Now do I love it enough to give up 3.5 million dollars a year till 2009...HELL FUCKING NO! I really don't understand what some of these athletes are thinking. You play a game for millions of dollars and you still want to jeopardize it by blazing during the season?

Hold up, isn't this that dude that missed all those dunks in the dunk contest last year? Yup, that explains it.

Way to go dumb fuck, I hope it was that fire.

http://www.nba.com/news/andersen_060127.html

MILLIONAIRES "BEEFING"

I don’t give a fuck. Real talk, if you’re pulling in over $75K/year, making rap music, you really shouldn’t have a problem with anybody. Obviously, you caught a really good look somewhere from someone.

The latest episode in the saga of “rap beefs” pits Cam’Ron pointing out the majority of Jay-Z’s character and physical defects etc…. Why? Did Jay-Z really put his career in a stranglehold? As I recall, as soon as the last 50 joint phased off of Hot 97, Dip-Set was right there to scoop up the top slot in NYC. It also seems as though the Dippys are getting some thorough rotation on MTV as well. Don’t get me wrong I’m not Jay-Z’s biggest fan, and there hasn’t been any shortage of fire coming from the Dip-Set camp, but these cats are multi multi-millionaires and they expect me to care about this stupid ass bullshit.

I’ve hated some motherfuckers for years and they didn’t even know it, and I still hate them, but I don’t need any teammates to justify my cause. I’m perfectly capable of despising certain people forever, but wasting my time and making a song about them, I don’t think so.

So, Cam has pleaded his case to me, and my response is “if sense were common, then everyone would have it.” We saw what happened when you act gully in D.C., holler. Motherfuckers keep forgetting there’s a huge difference between being from the streets and being on the streets. There’s even a bigger difference between Cam and the incomparable, Big L, the walking definition of MC, who was from and accurately repped the streets (peep Robbie T's blog). This is mainly why I took the stance that I did. Jay-Z acts corporate for the most part, because that’s what he is. Cam’Ron is as industry as industry gets, but he sure as fuck don’t act like it.

So I guess Cam and I are “Beefing” now. Word…………… Get at me, AlZarKowee@thebroreport.blogspot.com, I got some beats fo’ ya to hear. Let’s get it poppin’…………

P.S. That Jay-Z diss track was funny as shit.

Out……………………
Al “The Shark” Zark (Brooklyn’s Finest)

THERE IS NO SPOON

No joke, I witnessed a miracle in my building today. So I’m walking into my building when a father with his 8-10 year old son walk in behind me speaking some sort of language I’ve never heard before, and I’ve doubt you’ve ever heard before. This little dude asks me in some strange accent to hold the elevator door, and I’m the type of dude who, surprisingly, will always do that sort of thing. Anyway, the father and son walk into the elevator and the little boy looks up at me…I kid you not…and says real slowly, with a blank look on his face, “Six…six is where we live.” I’m like “cool.” Right after that awkward exchange the kid looks…just looks… at the elevator buttons, and the SIXTH FLOOR JUST LIGHTS THE FUCK UP! This little kid fucking willed the goddamn elevator to the sixth floor! I saw no sort of hand-button contact, little man just entered the Matrix and pushed that button with his crazy mind power. All I’m saying is, this is a true story and you will not catch me on the sixth floor.

Tunnel Bangers

The next time you call the "Weed Man" you might wanna slide dude an extra couple bucks. Homeboy's lifeline just took a major setback. The picture on the far right is the tunnel that your package used to travel through.

The other image (brolic dude with the ski mask) is where the future "fitty bag," that you're not gonna get is. Yeah, it's safe to say, that joint (no pun intended), is most definitely getting held down. Unfortunately, not by you.

The Mexican cops found the largest and longest drug tunnel to date, more than a kilometer long from a safe house in Tijuana to a warehouse in Otay Mesa, California.

They also found two tons of marijuana in the house, where the 26-meter (85- foot)-deep tunnel originated. The tunnel was 1.5 meters (5 feet) in diameter.

Drug Dealers need love too. So the next time you see yours, make sure to give'em a hug. You shoulda saved those seeds when weed had'em.................Ha Ha Ha.

RUSSIAN ANIMALS ARE ALCOHOLICS

As the last few posts have been concerned with both drinking and the brutal weather, I thought I should add a post that combines these two topics -with, what else? Elephants. Thats' right i said elephants fuckface. You see I was reading some news website and discovered it has gotten so cold in Russia that they have started to feed the elephants vodka mixed with water [pussys] to help warm them up. okaaaaaaaay. Hey genius, how about a blanket? or maybe a fire? What the fuck is going on out there? Honestly they seriously think Vodka is the answer to every problem. No job - drink some vodka, Lil' Alexi can't read - give him some vodka, Elephants are cold - give em' some vodka. Don't believe me? Read it here. The Elephant got so twisted it "...went on a rampage and smashed up the zoo's overworked central heating system. " another newsource reported the Elephant was stumbling around slurring, "Fuck ya'll Ninjas!! **hiccup** let me inside, I'm fa-fa-fa freezing my balls off."

Beer Is Damn Good Too

It's true that Scotch is a damn fine beverage. Many of us have discovered that over the more recent years of our lengthy lives. But there are few things in this wonderful, detiorating world that bring more smiles to many of us then a freezing cold beer. Imagine: Just finished a long, torturous fucking wasteful day at the office and all you did was email friends. Oh yeah.... It is a beautiful July day and the trees are gently moving with the light wind, the tops are all down on every convertable in the state, and the women..... well, you know...... you've got a fucking hour left before you can run out of your office and make your way to the nearest beer serving venture around. And then you get there and you not only have the greatest moment of your week while taking that first sip of the coldest beer of your choosing..... but you have the chance to see some amazing design work on certain bottles of beer (if you're lucky.....)...... Summer.... Will you please come and rescue us from this crazy, painful winter......

scotch scotch scotch

In my belly. yes that's right folks, I like the whiskey, scotch whiskey to be exact. I know lots of the boys like it too. It's a man's drink dammit, and I am a man! but seriously, it's delicious. You know when you go to a crowded bar and you are spending all your time trying to get the bar tender's attention and you don't think about what to order? well when you finally do, what's the first thing you ask for, off the top of your head? cause what ever that is, it's your favorite drink and I always say "jonny walker black label on the rocks". So i just wanted to take a second to salute all my favorite spots to drink whiskey. What's up Angel Share? how you doing Von? I didn't forget you, Black and White. And shouts to my old desk at my old office, I used to drink big whiskey there, all on deadline and what not. okay, I'm done. But for real, that shit is tasty.

all the rage that's fit to spill out

This morning my batteries died in my walkman (that’s right a walkman, not an ipod: What! I'm keeping my shit real 1990s) so I started reading my times (oh yeah I also keep real bourgeoisie liberal). On my train ride from Brooklyn to the Bronx I managed about 4 articles mixed with some looking away in anger, when I look at the floor and let my rage consume me. Here's what I learned: dudes who don't live in Manhattan are getting poorer by the minute; Bush is straight stonewalling dudes on his Katrina response; Alito is basically definitely gonna be confirmed; and some judge is gonna force Google to give my internet searches (I knew I shouldn't have shopped for that dirty bomb online). So I'm sitting on the train and I had a very scary realization, if I was Bruce Banner I would have definitely turned into the Hulk. I realize now that it's only a manner of time before I straight up turn into the Hulk and start wrecking shop.
So be forewarned don't ride the 2 or 5 train rush hour weekdays, cause one day soon I'm gonna straight up explode and turn into a giant green monster with purple pants. But don't worry you can give interviews to the Post and Daily News when they have front covers that read "not so jolly green giant" or whatever other shit they come up with. I’m definitely gonna destroy alotta shit, including but not limited to: twisting the rifle of tanks so they can’t shoot, throwing cars around a lot, straight up lifting building up, and other Hulk type shit. But unlike the Hulk I’m gonna have a straight up political agenda, I’m gonna straight pillage my way to D.C., but the only people harmed with be Republicans (and not even all Republicans just the real crazy ones) ... there will be no innocent bystanders killed because I’m the Hulk, and he don’t kill innocent bystanders.

Things That Make You Go HMMM...

This might could maybe possibly go down...

Peja Stojakovic (jump shots R us)

FOR

Ron Ron Artest (get at me bitch)

BUT...

can either of them chill on the bench like this?...

Thats what I thought.

MAN!!! LOOK HOW SHORT MY HAIR IS!

Don't worry Evan. It happens to everyone..see. By the way those Hospital pic's will be developed tomorrow. The Bro Report is said to have acquired the rights to them. Coming soon....

I Don't Give a Fuck! Well, Maybe a Little...

It’s a commonly known theory that with age comes wisdom. In my case, I’ve seemed to have dodged this supposedly inevitable outcome. To put it bluntly, I’m just darn right irresponsible! For some reason I think I have a license to do anything I fucking please without any repercussions. Hey hospital, so what you stitched up my nose. I don’t even remember falling – all I remember is bleeding profusely and Danny taking lots of pictures. I don’t really feel like paying the $1000 bill so you might as well forget this ever happened, I did. To most people this would be a huge burden and could potentially cause a bit of trouble. But, if you look at it from the-glass-is-half-full point of view, it could be considered a blessing in disguise. How you ask? For those of you who know me, you would probably say, “Evan certainly finds himself in some pretty shifty situations.” Yeah, I’d have to agree with that, but I’d also add “Evan definitely likes the damn sauce.” In conclusion, with these experiences (my drunken episodes) come terrifically entertaining stories that will be MY material for the rest of my days. Lucky me.

PS. Peep the wallpaper, I deicated that one to all the hoes that don't love me. I think the message is conveyed pretty clearly.

All I'm saying is that if you are going to start your own business, that's what's up. Do you, I've been thinking about doing me. You know setting up a little spot of my own and doing what the fuck I'm feeling with my day. I would most definitely be stacking loot cakes once cats got hip to what I was doing (we, if some of the bros are down), but before all that, kids would have to think of a gangster name. Something that would grab attention, you know? And after we've blown up a little bit, then we get a big ass truck and write our name on the side of it and steady mob around town. One of these days Imma do that shit, watch. Just got to think of that name.

YOU LOOK LIKE ROD STEWART TO ME

You will no longer catch me in Williamsburg, Greenpoint, Redhook, LES or wherever else “hipster” parties go down. Why you ask? Well, lets just say that everything is real sweet at first: girls are looking kinda crisp, music kinda crisp, dranks are tasting real crisp…but then it happens…after they drink three or four Pabsts, peep how every girl’s hipster hairdo starts getting a little disheveled.......
And then……KAZAAM!!!!!!…

ALL YOU BITCHES LOOK LIKE ROD STEWART!! That’s right, you’re damn near identical to that queer. No! I don’t want to dance with you Rod. You think I’m a bad kisser? Well, maybe that’s because I think I’m kissing Rod Stewart right now, and its making me nauseous. Dance as sexy as you want girl, you still look like Rod Stewart when you're twisted.

I STILL HATE ON DUDE BUT I'M SAYING....

81 FUCKING POINTS. ONLY WILT HAS SCORED MORE. CHECK OUT HIS STATS:

Points: 81
Reb: 6
Ast: 2 [ha!]
Stl: 3
Blk: 1

KAZAAM!!!!!!!

You know you've been drinking, but you' think the situation is under control. "I'm not even drunk," you say. But then you close your eyes after taking a sip, and take another one...And all of sudden you realize: I'm twisted! How the fuck did that happen? Well this photograph is proof. Just when you let your guard down for a split second....Kazaam!!!!!! You get hit with that drunk lighting rod and your drank just becomes super intoxicating and by the end of that glass, bottle or cup you will be bent. ....Don't believe me? Check it out:

Normal conversation. Joe is all, "look man, I don't know I just think that the US government is totally evil, man" and Paul is like, "dude, you're sound blindly liberal that you..............

KAAAZZZZZZZZAAAAAMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dudes went from normal - to smoking drinks and drinkin' smokes.



Did Paul ever tell you guys how sometimes he punches himself in his sleep. Seriously, he would wake up and have a semi-swollen eye or cheek. I would ask him, "dude what's wrong with your face you're looking kinda swollen?" And he'd say, "I think I punched myself in my sleep last night." What a weirdo. Anyway, on Saturday Paul didn't even wait til' he was asleep to lump himself up. Look at dudes right eye-jammy.


Honestly the Advantage Wetlands Camo is official. You can't even see the top third of my dome.

The Brothers Peskowitz.

KAZAAM!!!!!



ZICAM!!!!!
I was at Josh's place and he squirted up his nose this weird stuff called ZICAM!!! I think it is a medical and scientific marvel. How the fuck can you get something to be a " No Drip Liquid Nasal Gel"....??? No-drip liquid? Liquid-Gel?? That just doesn't make any sense.

THAT MAN SALVI

Just a quick heads-up to all you fools. The Bro Report oiffically has its own European Correspondent. That man Salvi is reporting from Italy where he's straight ballin' [both literally and figuratively]. On a side note can you pick out all the Bro's in this flic? I see 5 .

I Tried To Warn You

Living in Italy for sure has its positives and negatives. This negative right here crushes all the positives...That prick on the moped in front of me. People on mopeds swear they are invincible, seriously. They will cut you off, weave in and out of traffic, go up on the sidewalk, pretty much have no regard for anyone else on the road. Last time I checked these cats didn't have any seat belts on those little things...hmm...Next time I get cut off I'm gonna hit one of those fucks. Not cuz it's the right thing to do, but just to set an example.

"Guardare fuori per quell 'individuo nell 'automobile rossa, colpira lo merda fuori di lei!"

Translation : "Watch out for the guy in the red car, he will bang the shit out of you!"

INTRODUCING: THE BING BONG BROTHERS

I don't want to jock this website too much, but that new Bing Bong Brothers single is business.
LISTEN HERE.

I DREAM OF GUILIANI

No joke. I had sex with one of the Olsen twins. Actually, I’ve never met either of them but weirdly enough, two nights ago, I had a dream with both of them in it: that’s right, Ashley AND Mary Kate!! It wasn’t sexual at all…we were just kicking it, and I remember being real charming. Now that I think about it, I probably could have slept with them in my dream...I was charming the pants off those girls. Anyway, this was all weird to me because I’m not one of those creeps who’s into those little shitheads. This got me thinking about the last time a celebrity was in one of my dreams, and I remembered that right after 911, I definitely had a dream about Rudy Guiliani. We we’re both chillin at a party, and he was kickin it with his boys, and I roll up to him and say, “Rudy, you did your thing, you’re the man.” At this point Rudy leans over, points directly in my face and says real slowly “NO!, you’re the man.” Then he started laughing and all his boys joined in. I remember thinking, damn, Guiliani just clowned me REAL hard. But now, if I saw Rudy in one of my dreams, I’d roll up to him and say, “Hey, remember that time you clowned me after 911?…well fuck you, you fascist fuck.” I hope I have that dream tonight.

I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME

Yo I think it's about time that The Bro Report came out in a PRO Three 6 Mafia stance. Dj Paul and Juicy J are the truth. Fuck all that other shit. There is no question that they have been steady putting out bangers with bad album covers for years. But on the real? They made a movie that I saw last night. It's called choices 2 and it's. Just. Crazy. Those motherfuckers were basically wilding for like 2 hours. The script was impeccable. And by impeccable I mean retarded. But whatever, I was laughing mad hard, I'm not sure that I was supposed to but that's neither here nor there. All I'm saying is that them dudes put out the song of the summer, ask Paul (not Dj) plus their acting game is stupid tight.
On a completely separate note: The Bro Report is still dips all day. We definitely have Cam's back in the upcoming war with Jay-Z, our Bros at The Fader Magazine put up a track on their site www.thefader.com, with Cam'ron dissing the hell out of Young. Like clowning the shit out of 'em. Could be the start of some crazyness. LETS GO KILLER. Just sayin.

MY UNCOUNCIOUS IS STUCK IN 1991

Does it ever happen to you? Do you ever just say a certain phrase or word and once it comes out of your mouth you have no idea where it came from? I was reminded of this because yesterday I was walking to the train and had just said goodbye to Dave. I turned toward his boy who I’d just met and gave him the old man handshake - while looking at him directly in the eye and saying, "Peace Out!!!” What the hell? While I was at it I should have thrown in, "word to your mutha" or maybe, "I’m outy 5000." Yeah, it was weird….“peace out” just came from nowhere. However, there are certain situations where I consistently pull a gem off the 1991 slang shelf in the back of my mind, and it’s usually when I’m involved in some sort of altercation. I'm not really the type of guy to get into fights, I mean I’ve had my handful of skirmishes: the usual school yard ego defense, the occasional alcohol fueled scuffle, various Falafel spot incidents, or those joints straight instigated by dudes trying to jack me on the train. But no matter the type of scuffle, the one thing that these altercations have in common is that during the rush of adrenaline and tension I lash out at my opponents with the phrase, "Fuck You Money!!!!" …..Fuck you money? Money? Where the hell does that come from? If I was Ice-T in New Jack City that would be one thing, but I’m not exactly the "fuck you money” type of dude…..I don't know, sometimes I think growing up in the NYC public school system has disabled me permanently. 5000.

THE PROBLEM WITH GIRLS IS............

they have cooties. Also, they only paint their finger nails to cover up the dirt. Underneath.

FUCK YOU LOOKIN' AT??

Have you ever encountered these four soccer hooligans at the bar?? If you haven’t then I must warn you…you’re about four- to- eight seconds away from having a bottle smashed over your dome piece. Meet the Irish Mash Out Posse, better known as I-MOP.

Straight out of Dublin, Robbie “Double Barrel” Talihan, has curbed so many Protestants in the name of Ireland and Soccer they’ve named a line of Doc Martin’s after him, called: “My Boot Your Head.”Robbie’s closest friend, Joey “McMustle face” McJoeJoe terrorized the Irish countryside before teaming up with Robbie on Manhattan’s notorious Upper West Side. He was last seen injecting steroids into his forehead under the 125th street overpass. His current whereabouts are unknown.Josh “The Irish Jew-hammer” Peesky was abandoned by his Jewish parents and left at the doorstep of a pub in southeast Dublin. Raised by a one-legged barback, Pesky is known for violently poking Jews in the eye. His little companion to the right is Paully “I’ve been curbed before and am not afraid to feel the pain again you fucking pussy” McLittles.Consider yourself warned...

I MISS THE OAKMAN

Earlier this season during one of the Knicks dreadful losing streaks, the MSG network did its new bit, the halftime interview of a celebrity by that dude Ed Lover. [This segment no longer exists because Uncle Ed allegedly cold cocked a chick in the face at some club. ] Anyway, this halftime interview was with Jim Jones and Cam'ron. After some initial non-sensical dipset ramblings, Ed asked who was their favorite Knicks player of all time. Jim went with John Starks. The weirdly geeked out Cam went with...Phil Jackson. What the fuck? Weird.
Make no mistake about it my favorite Knick is most definitely Charles Oakley. Oak never held his breath for anyone. He was far from athletic but would be guarding Shaq one game and then MJ the next. Oak could barely jump but he had that money 15 footer. He had that intangible thing that is missing with so many athletes, what's that called again? Oh yeah, Heart.
Some Oakley Quotes:
"I can't really respect a lot of these younger guys because, you know, I'm 36 years old and they're 23 and I'm still locking them up on a regular basis. That just shows you it's all about the hype."
-Oakley, on some of the younger players in the NBA.
"He's a lawyer, not a GM. You can't spend $250 million on contracts and not make the playoffs. Vince Carter's mom runs that team. She's the GM."
-On Toronto GM Glen Grunwald.
"You got to know when enough's enough. You want to rob the bank, but you better not be complainin when you get caught. In my day, a guy who jumps that high with that many tatoos, he would've wound up sitting on the floor at least once. It's just the kind of player (Martin) is. And the kind of guy I am."
-Oakley, on Kenyon Martin
"I'm cool with whatever. I'll just keep eating my bread, sipping my soup and serving my time. But the chicken is going to lay some more eggs one day."
-Oak, on being benched in favor of teenagers.

NEVER TELL AN ARTIST TO "TAKE CARE"

In a fitting end to my streak of lying to girls, I was recently notified via text message that I should… "TAKE CARE." I don't think I've ever gotten the old "TAKE CARE," but it's meaning is not exactly subtle. "TAKE CARE" undoubtedly means, "Hey fuckface, I found out you live with your mom, I hope you both burn in hell." Which is sad because my mother had nothing to do with it; she always encouraged me to be honest and not lie to girls, so I'm thinking this girl went a little overboard. "TAKE CARE," huh? You want my mom to burn in hell, huh? Well, who's the immature one now? I don't remember saying your mom should burn in hell, all I remember doing was spinning a beautiful web of lies. Matter of fact, I'm sort of like an artist, and you're that terrible art critic who doesn't get the dynamics and emotional subtleties of my work. You think it's easy creating these masterful tapestries of lies?? So before you tell my mom to burn in hell, take a step back and try to immerse yourself in the beautiful canvas of lies I have created. TAKE CARE.
P.S. Anyone know a good therapist?

Ron Ron

• So its turns out my dude the Rottweiler is not going to the sorry ass Clippers ... There's no way L.A. could handle that. Indy can't handle that ... Who could you ask? New York that's who ... Yeah, I know the Knicks recently won six in a row, and they got some young talent and all that shit, but dudes need Ron Ron back in "the CI" STAT ... I mean dude's a sick defender and is having a bananas year offensively, but eff all that- the dude is a philosopher:
  
  "They better not put me in the All-Star Game. I won't shoot, but I'll dominate that easy game. I'll be playing hard defense. I'll be foulin'. I'll be flagrant fouling. Everyone will be like, 'What are you doing?'"
• "I'm going to continue playing hard and out of control, like a wild animal that needs to be caged in, ... I'll let the referees handle it."
• So what does Ron Ron say about the breaking the G.O.A.T's (Jordan) ribs? "We was playing hard, man. He was trying to post me up. I wouldn't let him do it. I went right through him." and "He's still Michael Jordan. But I broke two of his ribs!!"
• "I'm looking forward to being bashed and cursed out, ... That's going to be a lot of fun."
• What do Knick legends say about him, you ask?: "We'll have somebody waiting on Kobe: Ron-Ron the Rottweiler." -- Charles Oakley
• "I'm a ghetto-type guy. I'll be ghetto for the rest of my life. But at the same time, there's a lot of kids who look up to me. For that, I'll change."
• But, brass tacks: "He is a very sweet guy, a caring guy."(Pacers GM)

Apparently the guy plays the cello ... how do you spell class act: R-O-N times two. I know Ron coming to the Knicks is real doubtful, but it would be kinda awesome if it happens.

NINTENDO WAS AWESOME

http://thelonelyisland.com/nintendo.html

MORE NEWS FOR YOU CALI TYPES

http://blogfiles.wfmu.org/KF/0511/arnold_in_brazil.mov

THE DRUNK MASK! ORDER NOW WHILE SUPPLIES LAST!

Do you have a friend who is an overly violent drunk?
Does he have the incurable "Little Man's Disease?"
Is your friend overly clumsy and prone to being thrown through storefront windows and getting punched in the face?
Does he often come back from the bars bleeding and stitched up?
If the answer to any of these questions is yes then this product is for you.
The Drunk Mask. For only $19.95 you can be a proud owner of The Drunk Mask. Simply follow the included instructions. After your friend has had a drink or two over the violent point [usually this can be identified by your friend getting furious at any stranger who makes even the slightest physical contact] simply slip this mask over his head and fasten the nylon chord around the rear shock absorber [patent pending]. Now no matter how stupid your friend acts he will be safe from sustaining any crippling blows. Further more, the general embarrassment will force him to eventually change his ways. Don't believe me? Just read some testimonials from satisfied customers:
Paul Said: "The Drunk Mask kept me black eye free for six weeks! I also haven't got laid in over two months!"
Evan explained:"Thanks to The Drunk Mask system I haven't fallen on my face in over a month. Well, I did twice, but The Drunk Mask kept me out of the ER! Thank you Drunk Mask!"
The Drunk Mask comes in sizes S [for your Napoleon complex friends], M, L and Super Dome.

THAT DUDE HECTOR IS BUSINESS

I’m full of rage. Here’s a perfect example of how I came upon this realization. I always go get my lunch at this midtown deli/catering/restaurant place, run by Mexicans serving all sorts of badly prepared Italian dishes. I like this spot, my main man Hector never charges me for cheese, tomatoes and sometimes even roasted red peppers…like I said, this dude Hector is my ace. So I’m shooting the shit with Hector, who speaks about three words of English, while I’m waiting for my delicious roast beef sandwich to be heated up. All of a sudden about five nerd-faced, midtown dudes barge into this spot laughing about whatever the fuck makes dudes like that laugh; The Maxim magazine joke of the week, naked woman, homeless people, whatever. The biggest nerd-face out of all these dudes looks over the counter at the gross Italian dishes prepared earlier that day, and asks my man Hector “hey buddy, do you recommend the Eggplant parmesan or the chicken parm. Are they good? Which one did you prepare last?” Hector looks at me, then turns to this asshole and says repeatedly, “Ehhh…dey are both berry, berry good.” To which this guy responds laughing with his friends, “Maybe I should just flip a coin…hahahah.” At which point I’m thinking maybe I should just grab the back of this fuckers head and smash it into the counter, then repeatedly dunk his head into the eggplant, then the chicken parm…all while saying, “DON’T YOU EVER FUCK WITH HECTOR LIKE THAT.” While this is going on, Hector will jump over the counter and smash the other dudes in the knee caps with his dough roller, while the rest of the kitchen comes out and beats these dudes to bloody pulps. When they leave they’ll all be carrying each other out and say to each other…”Damn, that dude Hector was business”

BRAZILIAN FOR BREAKFAST?
or:
HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND EAT SHIT (1964)

I don't know what's really good with my insides, but lately my shit has been smelling real good, just like the food I ate. This seems like it makes sense but I'm trying to tell you--it's been serious. Like, it's making me hungry. The problem is, it's never the right time of day to eat what you shat. I mean, imagine that scenario: you eat delicious cod fish croquettes and fried plantains for dinner. You go out drinking, wake up the next day and skip breakfast. Then you skip lunch. Then you take a shit around dinner time and you're like "oh my god, I want that again so bad it smells so good to me right now." This will never happen because no food that tastes any good can last past lunch, from a shitting standpoint. Ask Bobby Flay. This begs the question: "Bro, can I have Brazilian for breakfast?"

Maryland

I almost never think of the state of Maryland ... I'm just like "word that is one of the 50 states, whatever" ... As the picture shows if anything it reminds me of my main man Len Bias, and The Wire takes place there I guess.
But now Maryland actually has a reason to exist:
The Maryland legislature passed a law Thursday that would require Wal-Mart Stores to increase spending on employee health insurance, a measure that is expected to be a model for other states.
NY Times Article Click Here

JIBBA JABBA

After extensive research by Bobby Taliban and a yet unnamed source, The Bro Report has come into the possession of some important information:

1.) Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.
2.) Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.
3.) Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. The result was the 80's.
4.) 23 That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.
5.) You have only seen Mr. T in human form. In Narnia, he is a T. Rex with a lion's tail hanging out of his mouth.
6.) Mr. T's pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity.
7.) Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.
8.) Mr. T once pitied the sun. An ice age followed.
9.) Mr. T once rocked the Casbah. Which explains why there is no longer a Casbah.
10.) Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.
11.) Behind every great man, there is a great woman. Behind that woman is Mr. T.
12.) The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occurred next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.
13.) Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.
14.) In 1995, Mr. T was diagnosed with B-cell lymphoma but he pitied his own fool cells until the disease turned into T-cell lymphoma. Upon closer inspection by doctors, the cancerous T-cells now had mohawks, gold chains around their nucleus and were tired of the other cell's
jibba-jabba.
15.) Before Mr. T, the alphabet only had 25 letters.
16.) Despite popular belief, if there is a fool