THE WEIRDEST GIRL I EVER MET

I truly don’t know any dudes as weird as DDD’s boy Randy, but I can easily tell you about the weirdest girl I ever met. So I’m at a friend’s b-day party and meet one of her really cute “friends” visiting from Texas. One thing leads to another and we end up back at my place, where, laying in bed I notice this chick has not one, but two tattoos of huge six-shooter pistols on each of her calves, as well as an insane looking dragon that covers her entire shoulder…hmmmm.

Me: Uhhh, those are nice…when did you get those?”
Her: “Ohh, I got these when I was 14, after my mother kidnapped me from my father and we fled to Texas. We changed our names and everything…you actually don’t know my real first name.”
Me: Right

Because she was kinda fly, I decided to put the six-shooters and fake name behind me and chill with her again. This proved to be a bad idea. After she offered me $100 for no reason, and explained that she really felt a “connection” towards me, I felt it was time to let our brief relationship end. Of course, that night I got a strange call from the girl who introduced us.

Friend: “Hey Paul, you and that girl didn’t happen to go to any pawn shops today did you?”
Me: “Uhhhh, I don’t really kick it at pawn shops all that much, no, sorry”
Friend: “Well, turns out your friend (she suddenly became my friend) stole my roommate’s grandmother’s engagement ring…kinda a family heirloom.”
Me: Right

As I’m scouring my room trying to see what’s missing, I realize I don’t own a goddamn thing, so this bitch couldn’t have possibly affected my life in any way…unless she got pregnant and we had some weirdo clepto-baby with a no-named/crazy tatted-out whore for a mother…Basically, this creep stole some family heirloom so she could buy rounds of drinks, buy a ticket back to Texas, and offer me a random amount of money for no reason. Does she still call me to this day telling me how she sees me in her dreams? You bet. Do I still check under my bed and in my closets to make sure she isn’t there? Damn right. Will I ever go to Texas? Probably not. Did I take that $100????????