Halloween is Dangerous Dude (Part 1)

November 1st, 2005 marks the date I found out that Halloween is the only holiday deliberately designed for Jackasses. Some of you may already have known this but I regretfully had to hit bottom (break my face) before I could realize otherwise. You see, as a youngster the trick-or-treating act really blinded me from its actual ridiculous premise of dressing up as something you’re not and never will be and to beg for scrumptious treats. I mean, come on, what the fuck is the deal with that? Might as well stop bathing, live on the streets and pander people for money – there’s your new fucking holiday. However, in full-on naivety, I participated for many years with a costume that took the least effort to get the job done. This consisted of me simply bringing a prop on my door-to-door journey that could most easily be associated with a prefabricated generic costume. For example – slap a turtle shell on your back and rock a blue headband and all of a sudden you’re a fierce Leonardo – carry a plastic M-16 matched with some sloppy fatigues and here comes Sgt Slaughter – you get the idea. The only problem was that any costume I meekly attempted never looked right with my ridiculously long golden-blond locks. Instead, the trick-or-treatees were a little too scared when greeting them was a Teenage-Mutant-Ninja-Trany. And strangely at that time, I more or less didn’t care that people just assumed I was costumed as a homo or a girl, which now that I think of it, basically made everyday Halloween without the Twix. So yeah, it’s not that surprising when I say – Halloween is definitely the gayest holiday. Some folk aren’t hip to how retarded this holiday is yet and think terrific, I can dress up like a bag of kitty litter while some other more dignified person can ignore the imposed dress-up ritual altogether - neither walk away feeling good, but one walks away from the another thinking, “what a cock,” and there’s no confusion to which one is me. The way I see it, it’s a holiday for jerks that really want to get noticed for their jerkness. Why, when I find dressing myself (at times) is difficult enough, would I want to take on the added challenge and come up with some last minute shit like the– “I’m a tourist” costume. Isn’t this hilarious? No! Wait, maybe you don’t get it. I’m from New York and I’m dressed like one of those tourist fucks from who knows where. Now you get it? See – the K-Mart outfit with the Casio camera necklace, shit is too hilarious. Or there’s the convenient: I- haven’t -shaved -for- a couple-days so-I-might -as-well-be -something- rugged- like -a- cowboy-or-a-Mexican. Clearly the look-like-a-cock-asshole options are endless. There is no coincidence why I hate this evil day, but in order to make you truly understand, I have to explain the incident that will never allow me to participate in this horrible holiday ever again.

To be continued…