The ABC's of Model Watching

Walking around NYC during Fashion Week brings out feelings of wonder, awe, and straight-up anger. All these emotions are prompted by the sight of one of the strangest creatures known to wander the earth; the long-legged, perfectly proportioned female model. Yes, these creatures, although captured from their natural habitat (a South American beach or a former Soviet Bloc McDonalds) can be spotted on various city streets, restaurants, clubs and lounges. Although difficult to spot with the untrained eye, their scent can easily be picked up. The famous Blond Longneck-asaurus can often be spotted sauntering the streets of SoHo, while the Brunette Crazy-Eyes-adactyle can oft be seen grazing amongst the aisles of WholeFoods in the Union Square area. The more noticeable and voluptuous Whore-asaurus can undoubtedly be found dancing on tabletops in any of the clubs in the Chelsea area. While these creatures are beautiful, in and out of their natural habitat, one must understand they are in fact predators and extremely dangerous; they have been known to prey on wallets, bank-accounts, egos, trust-funds and of course, self-esteems. Do not approach these women unless you are properly trained. Of course, like most predators, they are followed by a host of less significant, pestering, scavenger like animals, namely…fashionistas. (except for my man Peesky, he’s doing his thug thizzle). Yes that’s right, if you spot a tight-blazered, fast-talking, uber-queer, who only talks to objects that are reflective, you are not far away from spotting a model of some kind. Do not attempt to speak to one of these fashionistas unless you are wearing reflective sunglasses, as you will not get a response; one can try standing in front of a car window while speaking, so that the fashionista can see his/her self in the reflective glass, thus prompting some sort of communication which will likely make you dumber and/or confused, but nonetheless that much closer to attracting a species of model. “WORD!!? So and so model, and so and so designer, were drinking with Lindsay Lohan at so and so show???? Guess what fashionista? While you’re talking that nonsense and looking at yourself in that reflective surface, my fist is balled up, tighter than a muther, and heading straight for your grill-piece. Of course, handing out eye-jammys to every single one of these dudes will make you feel AMAZING, all while ruining any chance you have to mate with the Longneck-asaurus, however, your chances of winning the heart of the more violent Drunk-asaurus rex will increase exponentially.

P.S. Watch out for the ever-present Herb-Asaurus Rex. This film clip captures this creature in its natural breeding grounds.
Herb-Asaurus Rex